I have come to realise how little value I have given myself. How much pain I have gulped because of other people, how much anger I’ve carried and kept fueling.
I measured my self worth according to others. I put them first, always. I listened, I cared, I loved and then, I got burned. I got burnt so badly that it made me bitter and cold and left me putting myself down and blaming myself for everything that I was. I was a wounded bird with beautiful wings that couldn’t fly.
And then one night, a few weeks ago, I cried myself to sleep. I sobbed so much it felt like my heart was physically breaking. I thought about all the effort I’ve put into people and how little effort they offered me. I remembered times as a little girl with these big beautiful dreams, and reminded myself of how I haven’t achieved them yet. I thought about the pure grief I have experienced and how much sadness engulfed my heart after the death of a loved one. I punched my chest and covered my eyes trying to stop my own mind from beating me to a pulp…
“You’re a failure!”
“You’re not good enough!”
“People dont care about you!”
“But I try so hard!”
The next morning, with puffy eyes, I woke up with a renewed perspective. I felt different and couldn’t explain it. I then realised that I didnt just feel different, but that I actually was in fact, different.
Stronger, confident and unafraid.
This change baffled me, so much so that I asked many people if they have ever experienced a similar thing. Is it because I’m getting older? Is this an age thing? Is this normal? Well.. the feedback I received varied but there was a common denominator: pain. They grew tired of the painful experiences from rotten friendships, broken relationships and traumatic events. And so, it hit me…
I had cried myself clean. I faced my pain and anger head on and now it cant touch me. That night pointed out the facts, of which I hid away from for years and years. Buried anguish from relationships with people that I thought I understood. I was so afraid of being alone that I found myself constantly trying to “convince” people to stick around. Reflecting on this, I learned alot about how there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I noticed that I didnt and dont feel lonely and that I quite like being alone sometimes. Just like I love being with my family and being around people. This epiphany changed my thinking completely and so I made a pact with myself. That pact is a sacred one and one I refuse to break. It’s the basic premise of self care. It’s simply, a declaration of saying goodbye to anyone and anything that devalues you. I encourage anyone who can relate, to do the same.
I am now the strongest and the happiest I’ve ever been. I am unbelievably proud of this wee woman standing today. I am proud of who I am, how I look, my kindness, my ability to love and be loved and that I am actually quite intelligent. Who knows why I dumbed myself down for other people! I’m incredibly chuffed with myself for having the courage to post this, but why should I keep quiet? So here’s to self confidence and believing in yourself. Here’s to loving life and loving yourself. YOU are the only YOU and YOU matter more. Walk away from those that hurt you, even if they dont realise it. Be true to yourself, be kind and live.
As my mum says:
“Life is a classroom, you never stop learning.”